I'm telling you guys something about me that some already know but not everyone does. I want y'all to take it in and remember that you are capable of building a stronger you every single day. I've done it. Here's what happened. Fourteen years ago today, I was expecting a child that I didn't even know was growing in my body until that life slipped out of me. I was in an abusive relationship at the time. My child's conception was not in love but in fear. Since I was on the pill, I was not remotely looking for a pregnancy, which is why I didn't know it happened until it was over. I still carry around a lot of guilt that I was taking the pill without knowing about my child and that contributed to my loss. I say his name every day on October 16 - Joshua William - after Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain and William Tecumseh Sherman. Today he would be 13-years-old. It was the worst possible situation in which to bring a baby but that didn't make me feel the loss any less. I left that relationship a year later. While I never missed the man, I did miss the child I could have known. Guilt and failure made me hide into alcohol and opiod abuse for a year afterward. I had two small relapses after that, but I've been sober for 12 years now. Joshua William made me face a lot of things that took me to a black place. I made it out alive and my life is good now. Every October 16 and every Mother's Day, however, I think about him, what could have been, and the fact that I am indeed a mother. Another Joshua - @joshbernstein - said this about what happened to me: "...vulnerability can also be a sign of strength. You got this." I thought about that this morning. It's okay to acknowledge sadness no matter how long it's been or how good life is now. Tears honor my boy. So does being ambitious and seeing the world for him. It may not be raw anymore but there will always be a hollow spot in me. That's okay. Don't hide from your life experiences because they made you who you are now.
#miscarriage #motherhood #mother #boymom #grief #abusiverelationship #abuse #survival #survivor #motivation #inspiration #inspirational #alwayskeepingfighting #akf #youarenotalone #yana